The power of repair
Many times in my parenting journey, I’ve found myself coming back to the importance of repair. I believe this is one of the most essential parts of Aware and Connected Parenting, which sets it apart from many other parenting paradigms.
During your own childhood, you may have experienced something very different to the power of repair and reconnection. Often if you grew up with parents who came from an authoritarian parenting paradigm, you would’ve been responsible for their feelings. Meaning if you didn’t behave in the way that they wanted you too, they may have shouted, yelled, smacked or sent you away. This often meant you might’ve felt shame and that you were doing something wrong, and in order to stay safe and loved you may’ve had to apologise to your parents in these moments.
What we understand from an Aware Parenting perspective is that as parent’s we aren’t perfect and we are going to make mistakes, as we are working with the best information we have and the capacity (emotional availability) we have in each moment.
A few month ago, I had an exact moment where I screamed and yelled, I demanded the girls go upstairs to their rooms and then told them to come down again. I was activated about the playroom and the mess it was in again. I was in my bleed time, exhausted and solo parenting. My girls however did not understand this, all they saw was their mum moving from love and play, into anger and rage.
They were very upset, crying hysterically and very afraid of me, rightly so! It’s no often I get to this place anymore and I know how much it hurts them in these moments when I feel unsafe.
Here’s how I repaired the relationship with both of them:
The first thing I did was tending to myself. I was activated and needed to bring myself back into balance before I even went to them and apologised. I ran my hands under cold water and acknowledged how exhausted I was feeling, whilst I spoke to myself very calmly and compassionately “You’re having a hard time, this is about you and not the girls. You’re okay, you’re safe, you’re loved”
I took a few long, deep breaths and felt my heartbeat returning to a normal state and could feel my body begin to relax.
I knew I needed to explore my own feelings around why the playroom and the mess has created feelings for me. So I knew that I would reach out to my listening partner to receive the support I needed. (Note: If you don’t have a listening partner I highly recommend you find one, there’s a Facebook group to search for one if you’d like. If that doesn’t feel comfortable for you, I highly recommend finding a therapist to support you regularly).
I moved back into the playroom and asked the girls if they felt like they wanted to repair? They just looked at me and continue crying. I got down low and began moving in closer. Both girls on either side, fell into my arms and continued to release whilst I held without saying any words. I was a present container to listen to all their feelings around what had just happened for them.
When the girls had started to come into a more connected space, I said “ I’m sorry that I shouted at you, and I know that wouldn’t have felt nice for you. Did you want to share how that felt for you?” Mali responded “It made me feel really sad” and Kiki said “ It made me feel like you didn’t love me anymore”. Both these responses broke my heart. But I reflected what they said and validated their feelings.
I then spoke and said “ I want you to know that when I shouted and yelled that was all about me, and had nothing to do with you. I love you so much and I’m going to work really hard to try and not get to that place again”
They both snuggled in a little closer and then we continued on with our night.
I made sure that I reached out to my listening partner to have my feelings heard around had some time to unpack what was happening for me, and how it could look different for next month.
I reflected that it was so powerful for both my girls to be able to share with me how they were feeling in the moment, and the shift that was happening in one generation.
Owning our own experiences and not projecting them onto our children, is all a part of Aware and Connected Parenting. Finding support and continuously doing the inner work supports us to move what’s sitting underneath for us as adults, and show up in more enjoyable ways with our children.
I’m sending you so much love and compassion as you explore the way in which you can repair with your children and choosing to repair and listen to yourself.
If you need any support please reach out.
Warm wishes on your parenting journey,